It may seem like the firm foundation that you have been seeking is very close, even if it's still just out of reach. You nostalgically long for a lost certainty that could guide you through the choices ahead. But your potential growth may depend on your flexibility and your willingness to let go of your dream for stability. Be open to fulfillment in the present moment and not in some distant future. Monday, April 9, 2007
Yanno…it’s really inconvenient when my horror scope gets into the crevasses of my mind and ferrets out where my fears live. Even more inconvenient when it prints it out there in black and white making me look at it.
Since the world turned upside down almost 5 years ago a sense of firm foundation is something I have struggled find.
I liked my old life, dammit.
It was good…it was bad…it was fun...it was a pain…it was normal...it was crazy…but beneath it all was the foundation of me and him…him and me…Jim and Jo…Jo and Jim.
When Jim died, I felt as if what kept me stable had been vaporized from beneath the house that was our lives.
Despite my own frugality and eventual sound handling of ¼ of the salary I was used to living on…I lived in fear of making an economical mistake of such a catastrophic nature to land me on the streets with no home and no way of caring for myself. (Stephen King is alive, well and living comfortably in the confines of the sumtimes useless gray matter passing itself off as my brain.)
I used to tease my younger sister of being so tight with a dollar that it wouldn’t pass through an opening the width of a baby’s hair. I’ve come to regret that teasing with the unwelcome reality that I now emotionally live where she did for so many years as a single parent.
As much as I fancy myself a free spirited, fly by the seat of my pants, grab the brass ring kinda woman…there is also a sort of sea anchor behind me. While I continue to refuse to miss out on the joy that can be found in this altered life, I still struggle with the balance of living with abandon in the here and now and concern for being able to take care of myself in the nebulousness of time.
There is no longer the innocent, blind trust that there will always be someone there to catch me when I fall.
Welcome to Reality.
