Life Questions

My Tennessee friend has made me think yet again. She often does that when she is also thinking.

So…here are her questions and my answers for those who give one what I think and feel about them.

"You make me think about how one thing changes your life. Small or large, good or bad; one thing changes your life. Of course we all know that but one thing can change it for the better too. I remember the time when it was get up and get the day over with, now it is get up and fire up the day. Bring on the crazy, silly, boring, angry, happy, scared. Bring it. Because this is all I get.
 
So I guess this is calling you out and I hope you don't mind and I know if you do mind you'll ignore me. I know we talked during the surgery and after but looking back what were you thinking, in the part of your brain that wasn't dealing with the big C, surgery, healing, options? "

It’s all we get….but it’s what we do with what we get that’s the important thing. I can fold ‘em or I can play ‘em…but unlike the song, I cannot, in good conscience and honor to Jim, hold ‘em.

“You are keeping your house as a base, right? Is this going to be travel all the time or travel/home/travel/home? You know you have a resting stop in Tennessee.”

For a time…It won’t sell as fast as we want to leave and there’s fiddley bits yet to make it more sellable (without over doing).  So…initially it may be road/home/road…etc., especially since we promised family we would be on the East Coast for holidays.  And, thank you…there’s a big map dot on your river bend. (Among sundry other generous souls who have offered same.)

“Were you happy with how your life was?”  Yes…and No…I was happy, but there were things about me that I didn’t seem to be able to divorce myself from repeating.

 

“Did you change?” No…I’m still the same old rotten, crazy me…and yes…because there were things I needed to release from having power over me.

 

“I know the travel plans were set before the DX, did the plans give you a focus or make you angry?” Both.  First, I was angry out of fear the dream would be taken away. Then the relief that replaced both the anger and fear strengthened my determination to make it sooner than later. I am very focused on that goal. Every day is another day closer to making the dream truth rather than phantasy.

“Did it make you harder or softer?” Again…a bit of both. The softer is not easy to define…except that I think I do a better job of softening my reaction to others actions. With a few exceptions. Which is where the harder comes in. There are certain aspects of my life in which others keep trying to put/keep me in a certain box. I have broken that box and built my own. What I do or don’t do…I do because I wish to do it not because I’m either hounded or guilted into doing so. It’s been challenging for the folks involved to accept this new me and move along in their own lives. It’s been hard to step back…but necessary if they were going to grow, too.

 

“Did it bring worry or resolve?” Yes. Worry that I had waited too long and my life might end on an entirely different calendar than the one I had filled in. Worry that he might miss a cell and it would come back. For a time after Jim died life meant less than nothing to me. Death’s Dagger on my personal doorstep made me realize I placed more value on others lives than my own.  Suddenly, there was sharp edge endangering my life and I realized that I was not done with it. There were things I wanted to do, places to see, people to spend time with and I wanted very much to keep it.  I won’t say I never worry that it will come back. It can and it might not have the same outcome as it tends to be vicious on return. But, I am resolved that it will not prevent me from LIVING my life NOW. I can’t bet my present on a future that may not happen.

 

“I don't think you are ever the same after that, who do you like better pre or post Josie?” 

Agreed. I don’t think you can stare Death in the face without blinking. While I was pretty content with the Josie that was or was still becoming; those things mentioned in the above answers kept me from being totally at peace with myself. The post Josie has grown up (without losing that curious and eager inner child), let go and moved forward in a more positive way. (Although a few in my life think I’ve become a real royal pain inna arse bee-yatch.) The post Josie is stronger and more determined that life is short, precious and needs to be grabbed with both hands and lived. (Time McGraw’s song “Live Like You Were Dying” comes to mind.)

 

“Seems we wait for things to be perfect before we put plans into motion then something comes along to show us nothing is ever perfect, life will never fall into place, questions remain unanswered, options will all present problems so when do you say enough and act?” 

No…Life is never perfect. It does not wait for you to get around to living it…it moves whether we do or not. It changes on a dime and throw punches when you are not looking.  Facing Jim’s death brought things into a certain focus. The possibility of my own really opened my eyes to the fact that I can’t wait for life to be perfect or I’ll always be waiting.

I am a sandwich child. On one slice, I have a frail elderly parent whose is in the late December of her life. On the other is a grown child in crisis more often than not who is finally, but stubbornly and unwillingly, learning to deal with a world where this Mom says “No,” or “Yes” on her own terms (Hard for both of us…but necessary). Handyman has a frail, elderly mother also in the late years of her life. If our mothers die while we’re on the road, we’ll come home. If they become something else before we leave, we’ll consider whether we need to postpone or take shorter trips. 

The grown child…well…if it’s major…of course I’ll be there. But she doesn’t believe that yet and keeps trying to put me back in my old box with the strings, chains and locks. She needs to find her own place in life and step forward into it. Tethered to me she will not do so. Loosed from the bonds she has forged for herself, she will even if she falls a time or two first. Without the weakness of falling we cannot appreciate the strength of walking.

My son is working to find his place. Testing waters and making plans. Some he gets to incorporate into the Now, while others continue to percolate for a spell. But, he is constantly moving in that forward direction even when there is a side track or two. Given that he was once the boy who gave me most concern, he has grown into the man walking his own path with a certain sense of hard earned confidence. He gets my itchy feet and shares the malady inherited from my frustrated gypsy soul dad.

My grand is my major concern. She is young…looking for direction…has needs. I can put my plans temporarily on hold or modify them. I can be her roots but I cannot be her wings. Those she has to find on her own; test them and fill them with the rarified and exhilarating air of living.

The roots of my own life can be scarred, but not broken…I have found through Jim’s death that they run deep and they run strong even when hacked and scarred by grief…time and distance will not change that.  Wings, howsumever, have a certain fragility in that if they are not used they become withered and useless...dreams of what might have been. I’m not willing to let them wither nor am I willing to look back and say “shoulda, woulda, coulda.”

I have given my life for my children and my parents…even my job…some have taken more than their share…but, I allowed that and will no longer beat myself up for it. I lost a love that was immeasurable and most surprisingly gained another that has been an equal treasure. We share life, we share sorrow, we share joy and we share love. That’s pretty amazing when you consider that I thought my life would remain solo.

Time does not wait long for you to make up your mind…it will turn and change when you are not looking. It is time to look beyond “one day,” take those wings, open them to the winds and soar…that I also have a partner eager and willing to fly along is an unexpected and precious gift. (The unasked question is “yes” both of us have agreed that if solo is the course presented, the one left behind will still take it.) 

As hard as I tried not to go on and on and on and…etc…apparently I don’t know how. So…that…for what it’s worth…is now that.