May 24, 2002 ~ May 24, 2012
The months
leading up to the 10 year mark have been more introspective than most giving
thought to what the passing of a full decade means. In the final analysis what it
truly means is that he’s been gone 10 years…120 months…520 weeks…3,652 days…87,658
hours…5,259,600 minutes…315,619,200 seconds…all spent putting one foot in front of
the other and learning how to live outside the shadow of his being missing from
my everyday life. And, yet, he remains
with me every single day…in the memories of the life we shared…in the faces of
our children and grand...he is physically absent; still I am never without him
in my heart. Where I once could not imagine a single second without him
millions have passed and I still stand.
His
life and the living of it has been the catalyst for not giving up my own. Even
with a few missteps and backtracks along the way I am proud of having made a
differently meaningful life from the unwelcome life cards that were dealt. Along with my own headlong mulish stubbornness
to survive, I have been both in need of and received a great deal of help along
the way from my family and from a surprising, endearing network of online peers
who have become friends. A lonely journey made bearable by sharing it with
those who trod the same path…I am grateful for their company.
Recently
I have left the safety net of that community to follow where the path of life
now leads. (Though my wicked Scottish widow-friend has said more than once that
there is no door marked Exit and that one is welcome home at any time.) After
having shared my leaving with one of those peers I began to think of how it
feels to step away from the little (or not so) cyber-haven that has been my
online security blanket for the last 9 years cocooning me through many long
dark nights of the soul. Though I knew I would eventually move out of that
circle, I did not anticipate the slight in-breath of “Oh” and the tiny unease
that struck me once the words were out. (Remember how it felt when the training
wheels came off your bike? Scary and exciting at the same time) I had expected
that I might have some parting words that have not come…just a fizzling out of
my input predicated by too many things going on in my 3-D world. Interesting.
In
the end…it’s 10 years…monumental and nothing. It has put me in a funky place,
but not a despairing one. I loathe still that I must live without him both
loving him and missing him beyond description. Joy and even love in the form of my dear and
oh-so unexpected Handyman are welcomed with respect for when both seemed so far
out of reach as to be impossible. 5 – 10 – mayhap 20 years from now, should I
live so long, he will still be gone and I will still have walked forward every
single one of them the memory of him still intact.
He
left me better than he found me and I am blessed for having had him in my life.
