Rising from the Ashes

A Phoenix from the ashes
I spread my wings and
Rise above the rubble
Of my shattered life
To soar among the stars.

Dust and tears fall away
Give way to rising light
His face – his voice – his touch
Dwell within my healing soul
As rainbows catch colors in the sun.
(Originally written by me in Jan. 2003 and revised August 2005)

Rising from the ashes of the fire, the Phoenix (firebird) symbolizes immortality, resurrection and life after death. How appropriate is that bird in looking back at my own resurrection from the dark ashes of Jim’s death.

Can there be more than one Phoenix moment? For me that answer is “yes.”

The first was a time frame in which I grew to know that I would be OK; that the present and hope of a future with joy and laughter again had more to offer than living in the memories of a life that once was.

It came time to let Jim’s spirit soar and make my human life have meaning even in the aloneness of it. Within that I began to reach outside myself and look to the world of the living once more.

For both the memory of the man who shared his life, laughter and love with me and my own mental health I had make a choice in how I would spend the rest of my life. I could choose to find joy in my life and remember his presence with love; or I could choose to live with a deadened soul on memories and what could have been. I chose to find peace in this life.

It was not necessarily easy nor was it quick. Interests of the past were no longer what I sought as they were tied within the package of my old life. What reached out to me were things that began to burgeon in my soul as light and color crossed my vision. That, in part, was thanks to a lovely rainbow crystal sent to me in a moment of darkness and need. (Thank you, Dawn…your gift touches me every day) As the spectrum filled my room each morning and afternoon, the myriad of tiny rainbows drew me ever forward to a world where light and color had meaning. And, so, with time, the Phoenix rose and I began to truly heal.

Yet, while the healing began and grew, I continued to drag one foot in the past while having one also in the present giving rise to still complicated days of longing for that which could not be. I moved forward, but still had a part of my soul anchored securely to a life that, albeit unwillingly, was no longer.

When I met my Handyman in 2004 and we embarked, as partners, upon the next adventure of our life I brought with me the sorrow that had not yet quite healed. As another widowed soul he understands my tears. Yet, as a man who processes things differently than me, he has often been at a loss as to what it is I need when those times have come. We made an agreement that I would tell him if I needed solitude or care.

Even so, I have sometimes felt I was being unfair to him in clinging to those things from the past that can still cause me sorrow. Though I did not quite know how at the time, I knew it was important to put Jim’s love and the memories into a special place in what was and raise this wonderful man who loves me into his rightful place into the now.

Fast forward my life to a number of weeks ago and the Phoenix rose again in an unexpected slide from a canoe during which I panicked and nearly drowned myself. Drawn under water and terrified, I knew I did not want to die in the middle of that damned lake. The face and voice I needed at that moment was not that of my Jim, but the man on the surface also waiting for me. At that instant my other foot was planted squarely in now where it needs to be for me to live an emotionally healthy life and to give both that life I had with Jim and my current state honor and meaning.

I will always love Jim and I will always miss him to the depths of my soul. He was a gift beyond compare for which there is no replacement. Yet, I will not close the door to the outside world and dwell deep within my memories. To do so gives lie to the love we shared and the life he loved. In opening my eyes and seeing light and color again I pay forward that which he gave me in unfailing measure.

Please, in reading this, do not think I think I have all the answers. Indeed, I do not. Floundering was a way of life for too long a time. Nor do I believe a relationship is the only road to a happy, emotionally healthy life. I have purposely downplayed that part here trying not to offend those who need and choose something else. It is important only in that it was the catalyst for me for where I need to live.

With this post I have honored an agreement with 4 women whom I have come to love and respect. They have been my encouraging right arms as we’ve traveled this road together. While it was at their urging I posted this; I truly believe each of us, in our own time, can find that “Phoenix” moment, feeling our feet underneath us again and seeking joy in living once more truly in the present and looking forward to the future. What we keep deep inside our hearts can never be diminished nor taken away.