I Die Again

Sonnet XCIV

If I die, survive me with such sheer force
that you waken the furies of the pallid and the cold,
from south to south lift your indelible eyes,
from sun to sun dream through your singing mouth.

I don't want your laughter or your steps to waver.
I don't want my heritage of joy to die.
Don't call up my person. I am absent.
Live in my absence as if in a house.

Absence is a house so vast
that inside you will pass through its walls
and hang pictures on the air.

Absence is a house so transparent
That I, lifeless, will see you living;
and if you suffer, my love, I will die again.

Pablo Neruda


"Absence is a house so transparent
That I, lifeless will see you, living,
and if you suffer, my love, I will die again."

February 10, 2005:
My friend, April, posted this poem today. The above stanza hit me like a ton of bricks and I hear Jim’s basso voce’ as I read the words.

The only way I know how to do this is get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Some days I'm slogging through mud with an anvil on my back. But, at a bit over 2 1/2 years into this most days the load is much lighter.

I will not let death defeat the love my husband and I shared if I have to grit my teeth till my gums bleed.....our love is stronger than his death....his life means more than his leaving me behind....I will do this or die trying.

I'll be truthful and admit that I have most unexpectedly and surprisingly found love again...yet, it does not take away the pain of losing my Jim....that will be with me forever. However, I WILL rise and I will stand in the sunlight, see the rainbow, watch the moon and stars and appreciate the gift because he needs me to and I will honor that need because I will always love him.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005:
I had not yet had my second phoenix moment when writing that piece. Still dragging a foot in the past, Jim died again each day that brought me tears. How it must have hurt him to see me still have those days where the breath caught in my throat as I sobbed seeking to ease the pain. And, how fair was it to the man who now shares my life and all but that tiny piece of my heart reserved for what was.

My Handyman brings a joy, light and sweetness to life that I thought would never be again. As an also widowed soul he understands the luggage we carry into this relationship. Yet, as a man who processes things in a different manner, it must have challenged him to figure out what to do with the yet grieving side of me.

They will forever be a part of who we are…we bring their lives into ours. And, while sharing the sadness is difficult…sharing the life is easy. We speak of our spouses, our lives and raising our children. We shared the challenges of being parents and the balancing act required in providing a living. I see in his eyes and hear in his words the woman who shared his life for nearly as many as Jim shared mine.

Terry is never a ghost nor an adversary. I feel no jealousy in listening to him talk about his former life. It gives me a more rounded view of who he is that he is comfortable talking about her. Knowing how he loved her gives me peace in accepting that he loves me as well.

In thinking about that, I had realized for a time that I owed him more than he was getting in our partnership. While the past colors who I am, it should not overshadow who WE are.

It may sound crazy, but in order to let Jim LIVE as the spirit he should be I had to finally let him die one final time. He and our love for each other are precious threads in the tapestry that is my life.