This September melancholy finds me questioning perceptions of a world I did not choose to inhabit.
I am a stubborn woman…single-minded…tenacious…determined. It is the double headed strength and bane of my nature. A character flaw that has fueled my steps along this uncharted journey called Widowhood. I know no other path than to hitch up my boots and doggedly slog my way through every boggy step.
For a space over 3 years I’ve sustained the phantasy (spelling mine) that I can be “just like Dad”…a psychological drive that I owed my children (albeit grown) and my grand a continuation of life set by his example.
Yet…the price of maintaining this mirage was not evident until plowing headlong into the wall that surrounds it…I am NOT Dad. And, the naked truth is that the illusion is both unsustainable and unrealistic. Possessing neither the resources nor the creative skill to do so I have nearly paupered myself emotionally and financially in the attempt.
Another truth is that they never asked this of me…it has come at my own doing…my misguided attempt to make things easier by pretending I could carry on this aspect of his legacy…that things could somehow still be normal within the abby-normal world of death and loss.
Living within this fiction, I believe, has also hampered my children’s ability to cope as reasonable and practical problem solving young adults in their own right. My misguided sense of what I owe them has stunted their own emotional and financial growth.
The blunt fact is that this pipe dream must end.
Pounding into my brain the stark reality that I have to alter the status quo…that I must deal them a different hand…is testing both my natural stubbornness and my willingness to modify something that is obviously not only not working but, inherently, unhealthy for all of us. Dr. Phil’s “How’s that working for you?” echoes in my brain even as I write the words. (His brand of blunt “this is how it is” psychology just happens to be harmony with my nature.)
Mayhap, it is that very same innate mulishness that has led me this far that will work to my advantage at this juncture in the unwelcome saga that is my altered life.
Still… as I sit before this keyboard telling myself I will and must try…I hear a small, greenish Jedi master whisper in my mind’s ear… "NO. Do…or do not…there is no try."
Hi Outlaw. Very interesting reading your post...you sound very very grounded and clear and this is an important moment for you. I can relate to it watching some of what Bob has gone thru w/ his gurls. I think it is pretty normal to try to continue some legacy of our lost partner, try to stand in their stead in the world, do what they would have done or we think they would have done, etc. But a measure of our growth is BOTh how we incorporate them into us and also move along to a realistic sense of ourselves functioning in their real absence now.
ReplyDeleteLast night I woke up to one of those "oh my god he died" things again. I guess those never end, even if you think you are past that kind of shock. It came in the middle of the night and woke me up. And the strangeness of "life goes on".
Sending you courage and strength to continue this investigation into what you can do, who you really are, and how that "works" for you and those you love. I will watch this with curiosity and love, for you are a very admirable woman. And loveable!
Take care,
SB
Thank you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThis is no easy task I've set myself...still, I know without doubt change must come. There will be no growth for any of us if I continue to behave as if I have the same resources and ability to revitalize them as did their Dad.
It is a difficult truth to follow once spoken.
We shall see.
I welcome any dialog that will ease the grade of this path now that I am set upon it.
As for who I am...that is food for another post to this blog, methinks.
Loveable. Indeed. Even so, there was a time I'd have argued that point and my ability to love again at all with you. My Handyman is proof that there is hope for the short, round, wrinkled and graying, I reckon.
Bless you for being so sweet.
((outlaw))
ReplyDelete* friendly smile *