Reflections of a Widow - A Gift to a Friend

My Tennessee friend began her journey down the widow’s path long before the death of her husband to heart disease. They had lived with challenges of what it did to his health for 9 years.

Today, as her oldest son prepares to leave for Germany and her youngest prepares to enter life as a young adult, I loan my space in honor of that man, my friend, her sons and new daughter-in-law that she may share them with her friends.

The words and pictures below are hers.

“Reflections of a Widow”

These words from the song “There’ll You Be” by Faith Hill express so much of what I want to say:

“When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
I'll keep a part of you with me
Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all
The strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength and I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
There you'll be in my heart
There will always be a place for you for all my life.”

Faith Hill, Soundtrack to Pearl Harbor (2001)

I think back to that morning on July 28, 1998 when I walked in to wake you and found that you had left silently in the night without a goodbye. You had known much pain and sickness even with the anguish of your death you fought a good fight. I knew it was time by the sweet look of peace on your face. The doctors had told us the time was near, but when the time is that moment, no one is ever really prepared.

Not a day goes by that thoughts of you aren’t with me. After seven years I still see you and feel you. With every detail of your boy’s lives, I see you. You will forever be, forward I go. Yesterday was, today is now. I was blessed to have had you in my life, thank you for teaching me about love and life, for loving me, caring for me and giving me two wonderful sons.

I took a long time to heal. Time doesn’t heal, but healing takes time. The depths of my soul filled with grief and pain that threatened to throw me into the darkness of a bottomless pit. I had to find me again, I was no longer we. I lost myself, but now through much soul searching, prayer, and endless tears that came in the wee hours of the night today, I can finally say I know who I am.

I am no longer Clyde’s wife. I am a woman who has known the greatest sorrow in her life, raised our boys, and now it’s time for me to start and finish college. I am a woman who wants to know love again and truly live again until my time on this earth is no more.

No longer am I in love with you, the young boy that captivated my heart with those sexy blue eyes and that smile that made me melt so very long ago. I only see those eyes and smile now through the twinkling of a special star that I gaze at from time to time. You are no longer here to be in love with, but I will always love you; continually carry you and our memories within my heart. I am saying goodbye, I am letting go. In my heart, I know, you are at peace and with the Lord and so I say thank you my sexy blue eyes.

Sometimes it seems like it has been forever and yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. The years have passed like the blinking of our eyes. The boys are fine and you would be so proud of them both. I have grown through the grief of your death, the years we had and learning from my mistakes. God has been good and shown me the way. I'm a better person. My only regret is that your time was so short and that the boys have so many firsts that you will never see or celebrate with them.

We made mistakes. We both knew we had no perfect marriage, but we did have a love that never dies. You taught me passion, compassion and what being a partner really meant. I hope you would be proud of me today; I have tried to instill in the boys everything I knew you would had you been here.

I am a better person because of you and all the trials and good times we had in our marriage. No longer do I mourn, but, I breathe and enjoy life. I have memories we shared and our boys. I smile now and really laugh, even when I have my down moments. I know I was blessed to have had us for the time we had. I am living again, I can see joy.

My tears still come, but smiles are more now than tears. Even through the loneliness I know a new love and life can await me someday when the time is right and it is the Lord’s will. My dreams are real and can be realized, and I'm as sure of that as I was the day we met. Because of your love and the strength you showed during your 9 year battle with heart disease. I know I can be who you always saw me as once again, only better.

I am forever changed, death does that and I will never be the same, but, I still want the same values of life, only I have more zest and know how short life is. One moment is not to be taken for granted, not one “I love you”, “How was your day”, “Let me hold your hand” Not one discussion, not one hug. For in the twinkling of the eye it can all be gone never to return.

You have your dream now…peace is finally yours as you look from high on your mountain. Pain, strife, despair, illness and demons are gone never to control you again.

I am a better person for having loved you, but most of all for the love you gave to me. Rest my love and know real peace. We are fine and I know that you will always be forever.